Being a conscientious high-achiever or perfectionist often comes along with feeling like an imposter.
You’re afraid of being found out that you don’t actually know what you’re doing, or that you somehow slipped through the cracks before anyone figured out that you’re a fraud.
Does that resonate?
This is called imposter syndrome.
Today, I’m rounding out a series of posts inspired by Sahaj Kaur Kohli’s book, But What Will People Say, and exploring tips to manage imposter syndrome.
I’m no stranger to imposter syndrome, which really started to take hold for me in university.
I attended high school in a small city outside of Vancouver, BC, called Port Coquitlam, also known as PoCo.
PoCo is famous for being the home of Terry Fox (I went to Terry Fox Secondary) and as a filming location for the X-Files (I once saw Gillian Anderson filming an episode at the local Dairy Queen).
Getting good grades and accolades came easy for me in a small high school in a small town.
That, combined with certain family dynamics and my cultural background, led me to imbibe the negative achievement patterns I described in a previous post.
This meant that I never learned to study or tolerate making mistakes.
So when I started university at UBC, all of a sudden I was just one among thousands of bright students taking some quite difficult classes.
Coasting was no longer an option, and imposter syndrome started to take hold.
I started to have thoughts like, “Do I belong here?”, “Am I not good enough?”, “What if I’m actually a failure?”
In her book, Sahaj describes the roots of imposter syndrome, including:
- Being taught that your parents and elders know best, nurturing a sense of insecurity when self-advocating or taking up space
- Not being taught how to fail or make mistakes, or learning that these are a normal part of success and growth. Then, when things don’t go according to plan, you feel like a failure.
- Being taught that success looks one specific way, and not being encouraged to hone your natural skills or pursue learning new skills. Then you feel like a fraud or failure if you can’t meet the externally imposed expectations.
The irony of imposter syndrome is that it often grows the more you accomplish.
In my practice, we work with so many people who are talented, accomplished, intelligent, compassionate, and kind, who internally feel a deep sense of failure, leading to anxiety, depression, sleep problems, loneliness, and relationship issues.
There are ways to overcome these feelings, because when you can connect with your unique gifts, and everyone has gifts no matter your station in life, you can experience deeper awareness and satisfaction in all areas of life.
What has helped me manage imposter syndrome is connecting with my authentic values, learning to tolerate “failure” and reframing what that actually means, and separating my identity from my work and external achievements.
Sahaj shares the following tips for managing imposter syndrome in But What Will People Say (she has more detailed tips in the book):
- Normalize and reframe failure
- Become friends with your self-doubt
- Set realistic goals and deepen your self-awareness
- Embrace not knowing and adopt a learning mindset
- Have trusted allies and mentors
- Delegate and ask for help
- Build a life outside work
If you’re dealing with imposter syndrome, you’re not alone.
Action step: Reflect on behaviors that you might have adopted that aren’t authentic to you and might be perpetuating or reinforcing feelings of imposter syndrome.